335+ Unique Funny Quotes and Sayings to Make You Laugh

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Welcome to our wonderful collection of Unique Funny Quotes and Sayings to Make You Laugh. Laughter is the best medicine to reduce stress. Laughter is not only reducing stress; it also lowers blood pressure and relieves depression. It’s also an excellent workout and releases endorphins.

Everyone needs a little humor in their busy lives sometimes. If you are looking for funny quotes and saying for laughs or to relieve yourself of stress then you have come to the right page. Here are some of your favorite Unique Funny Quotes and sayings to make for You Laugh. So without wasting time let’s jump in.

Table of Content

Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

Funny Quotes from Comedians

Funny Sayings

Short Funny Friendship Quotes

Short Funny Life Quotes

Funny Inspirational Quotes

Funny Love Quotes

Short Sarcastic Quotes

Clever Short Funny Quotes

Short Funny Captions

Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

1. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” — Daniel J. Boorstin

2. “Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” — Emo Philips

3. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” — Alexander Woollcott

4. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”- Mitch Hedberg

5. “He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.” — George Bernard Shaw

6. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

7. “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” — Sam Ewing

8. “I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.” — Si Robertson

9. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

10.  “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield

11. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” — Emo Philips

12. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” — Rodney Dangerfield

13. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers

14. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis

15. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” — Alan Dundes

16. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” — Albert Einstein

17. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” — Abraham Lincoln

18. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck

19. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” –Francois de La Rochefoucauld

20. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Waterson

21. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno

22. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” — Emo Philips

23. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” — Benjamin Franklin

24. “A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” — Fatz Domino

25. “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.” — Thomas Lansing Masson

26. “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

27. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson

28. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” — James Thurber

29. “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” — Betty White

30. “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood

31. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” — Josh Billings

32. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel

33. “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” — Clarence Darrow

34. “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” — Bob Thaves

35. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” — Gertrude Stein

36. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln

37. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

38. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” — George Carlin

39. “To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” — George W. Bush

40. “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” — Dave Barry

41. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

42. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” — Harlan Ellison

43. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” — Kin Hubbard

44. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” –Abraham Lincoln

45. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” — Dylan Thomas

46. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” –Bob Hope

47. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” — Kurt Vonnegut

48. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” — Mark Twain

49. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” — Miles Kington

50. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” — Natalie Wood

51. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde

52. “The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” — Paul Fix

53. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” — Mark Twain

54. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea

55. “All men are equal before fish.” — Herbert Hoover

56. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

57. “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” — Jean Rostand

58. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

59. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles Shulz

60. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” — Ambrose Bierce

61. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” — Ann Landers

62. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” — Arthur C. Clarke

63. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn

64. “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” — Laurence J. Peter

65. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

66. “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” — Douglas Adams

67. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” — Billy Connolly

68. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!” — Groucho Marx

69. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman

70. “Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.” — Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns

71. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles Schulz

72. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain

73. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

74. “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” — Tom Lehrer

75. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” — W. C. Fields

76. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” — Sam Levenson

77. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” — Steven Wright

78. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg

79. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?” — H.L. Mencken

80. “I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.” — Jay Shulte

81. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” — Michael Scott

82. “I am only human, although I regret it.” — Mark Twain

83. “I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.” –Henny Youngman

84. “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” — Dennis Wholey

85. “A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range!” — Tom Wilson

86. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin

87. “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” — Charleton Heston

88. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama

89. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” — Dale Carnegie

90. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin

91. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” — Greg Tamblyn

92. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” — Unknown

93. “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.” — Oscar Levant

94. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

95. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

96. “Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” – Gilbert Gottfried

97. “If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.” – Larry David

Funny Quotes from Comedians

98. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andy Rooney

99. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” — Benny Hill

100. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” — Jay Leno

101. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” — Conan O’Brien

102. “The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.” — Conan O’Brien

103. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin

104. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers

105. “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” — Mae West

106. “Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” — Margaret Culkin Banning

107. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Matt Groening

108. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

109. “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” — Marc Maron

110. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” — Jerry Seinfeld

111. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” — Jackie Mason

112. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett

113. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” — Dave Barry

114. “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” — Johnny Carson

115. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

116. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” — David Letterman

117. “can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.” — Fred Allen

118. “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” — Fred Allen

119. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns

120. “Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.” — George Burns

121. “The road to success is always under construction.” — Lily Tomlin

122. “God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” — Naguib Mahfouz

123. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

124. “Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” — Gilbert Gottfried

125. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” — Bill Maher

126. “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” — Bill Maher

127. “If you think you have it tough, read history books.” — Bill Maher

128. “This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.” — Bill Maher

129. “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns

130. “If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” — Gilbert Gottfried

131. “The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” — Zach Galifianakis

132. “If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield, Back to School

133. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen

134. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” — Woody Allen

135. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno

136. “I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.” — Ron White

137. “Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.” — Bill Murray

138. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” — Mae West

139. “A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” — Franklin Jones

140. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.” — Demetri Martin

141. “Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

142. “Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.” — George Eliot

143. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray

144. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx

145. “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” — Richard Lewis

146. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” — Rita Mae Brown

147. “When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

148. “Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” — Thomas Sowell

149. “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” — Dick Cavett

150. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” — Demetri Martin

151. “I live about four muggings from Central Park.” — Henny Youngman

152. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman

153. “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” — Henny Youngman

154. “I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.” — Ron White

155. “The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.” — Sid Caesar

156. “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

157. “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David

158. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?” — George Carlin

159. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” — George Carlin

160. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld

161. “If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.” — Larry David

162. “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.” — Jon Stewart

163. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

164. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle

165. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” — Jon Stewart

166. “You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.” — Jon Stewart

167. “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” — Mike Myers

168. “I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.” — Seth MacFarlane

169. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” — Milton Berle

Funny Sayings

170. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” — Ashleigh Brilliant

171. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” — Ashleigh Brilliant

172. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin

173. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” — Bryan White

174. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx

175. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Winston Chruchill

176. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” — Henny Youngman

177. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

178. “Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” — Jessica Simpson

179. “Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.” – Voltaire

180. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” — H. Kyle Seale

181. “Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.” — Mark Twain

182. “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” — Sir Alec Issigonis

183. “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” — Robert Bloch

184. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright

185. “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” — Samuel Goldwyn

186. “I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” — Scott Adams

187. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” — Sydney J. Harris

188. “It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!” — Steven Weinberg

189. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright

190. “Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” — Jim Davis

191. “If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.” — Jim Rome

192. “It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.” — Bill Hicks

193. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” — Lawrence Ferlinghetti

194. “I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.” — Peter Cook

195. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” — W. C. Fields

196. “We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” –W. H. Auden

197. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers

198. “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” –Oscar Levant

199. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” — Joan Collins

200. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” — John F. Kenendy

201. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” — Will Rogers

202. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Steve Carell

203. “You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.” — Joel Osteen

204. “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” — Charles Dudley Warner

205. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” — Groucho Marx

206. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” — Ronald Reagan

207. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” — Sam Levenson

208. “Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.” — J.R. Ewing, Dallas

209. “A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.” — Michael Douglas, Wall Street

210. “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” — Derek Bok

211. “But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” — Carl Sagan

212. “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” — E. B. White

213. “Never have more children than you have car windows.” — Erma Bombeck

214. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” –Ernest Hemingway

215. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” — George Carlin

Short Funny Friendship Quotes

216. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

217. “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places.” — Mark Twain

218. “Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.” — Laurie Colwin

219. “Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” — Robert Brault

220. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn

221. “Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’” – Cookie Monster

222. “A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.” – Jim Hayes

223. “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

224. “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich16. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

225. “Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.” – Sicilian Proverb

226. “Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.” – Charles Lamb

227. “Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.” — Virginia Woolf

228. “Knowledge cannot replace friendship. I’d rather be an idiot than lose you.” — Patrick from “Spongebob Squarepants”

229. “Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!” — Bronwyn Polson

230. “Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.” — Otto von Bismarck

231. “There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” — Sylvia Plath

Short Funny Life Quotes

232. “Life is short and the older you get, the more you feel it. Indeed, the shorter it is.” – Viggo Mortensen

233. “Life is too short to be reading quotes about life being too short. Stop reading and go live your life!” –Kevin Ngo

234. “If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.” – Jim Rome

235. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

236. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

237. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

238. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

239. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

240. “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson

241. “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

242. “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.” — Forrest Gump

243. “Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated.” — Confucius

244. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking

245. “Life is too short for long term grudges.” – Elon Musk

Funny Inspirational Quotes

246. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

247. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” – W. C. Fields

248. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

249. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

250. “I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.” – Elon Musk

251. “You never fail until you stop trying.” – Albert Einstein

252. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

253. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

254. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

255. “If you think you have it tough, read history books.” – Bill Maher

256. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

257. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

258. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

259. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

260. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

261. “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

262. “Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey

263. “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

264. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

265. “I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson

266. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

267. “Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.” – Mark Withers

268. “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

269. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

270. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

271. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

272. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

273. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

274. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Leibowitz

275. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale

276. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson

277. “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” – Sir Alec Issigonis

Funny Love Quotes

278. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

279. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

280. “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” – Brendan Francis

281. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” – Albert Einstein

282. “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer

283. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

284. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin

285. “Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.” – Lisa Hoffman

286. “Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.” – Ambrose Bierce

287. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl Bailey

288. “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken

289. “Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.” – Thomas Dewar

290. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West

291. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz

292. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl S. Bailey

293. “Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.” – John Lennon

Short Sarcastic Quotes

294. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

295. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

296. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” – Mark Twain

297. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

298. “Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

299. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

300. “I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.” – Henny Youngman

301. “The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” – Zach Galifianakis

302. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott

303. “A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.” – Michael Douglas, Wall Street

304. “I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” – Scott Adams

305. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley

306. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

307. “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

308. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

309. “I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.” – Demetri Martin

Clever Short Funny Quotes

310. “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Charles Dudley Warner

311. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

312. “To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

313. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

314. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

315. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

316. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

317. “The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix

318. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kenendy

319. “Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.” – Yogi Berra

320. “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns

321. “If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” – Gilbert Gottfried

322. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway

323. “The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.” – Jon Stewart

324. “You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White

325. “I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.” — Ron White

Short Funny Captions

326. Bad choices make good stories

327. Yes, I do bad things, but I do them well

328. Reality called, so I hung up

329. Confidence level: Kanye West

330. I feel I am the undiscovered supermodel

331. I need a six-month holiday, twice a year

332. I don’t sweat—I sparkle

333. Be a cupcake in a world of muffins

334. Did someone just call me lazy? I’m not sure because I was asleep.

335. When nothing goes right, go left instead

Conclusion —

Hope you are enjoying these Unique Funny Quotes and sayings for you Laugh. You can send your friends, family members, colleagues, loved ones and people around you by choosing your choice from the Unique Funny Quotes and sayings written above. By sending Unique Funny Quotes and sayings you can reduce the stress of their busy life and put a smile on their face. You can share these Unique Funny Quotes and sayings for everyone on Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, Twitter or any other social media of your choice.